One of the most
common questions I’m asked as a relatively seasoned consecrated virgin is
whether I have any advice for women discerning this vocation. This is also one
of the trickiest questions to answer, because in real life my answer would
depend a lot on the individual woman I’m talking to. For instance, my advice to
a college student would be very different than my advice for a forty-something
professional woman, which would also be different than my advice to someone who
had recently left a religious community, etc.
Still, there
are some very basic ideas that I find apply almost across the board. Some of
these may go with out saying…but just in case they are helpful, I’m going ahead
and saying them anyway!
1. Make sure
you’re clear on what this vocation is actually all about
If you feel
called to discern a vocation to consecrated virginity, an important first step
is understanding the fundamental nature of this form of consecrated life.
Specifically, you should be clear on the concept that consecrated virginity is
a public form of consecrated life for chaste and never-married women, centered
around the charism of a spousal relationship with Christ, and which is lived
out under the authority of the diocesan bishop primarily within the context of
the local diocesan Church. And, as a public form of consecrated life,
consecrated virginity involves some baseline obligations of evangelical
witness, formal liturgical prayer, and service of the Church.
This point
might seem overly obvious to many readers. But I find that sometimes people
still have an impression of consecrated virginity as sort of a generic
catch-all category, in which the main defining feature is simply being “not
religious life in community”! More
commonly, well-meaning people can tend to confuse consecrated virginity with
other vocations that are neither vowed religious life in community nor normal
human marriage.
So just to
clarify: consecrated virginity is not a private vow. A private vow is a wholly
personal response to a sense of God’s call without any exteriorly-imposed
parameters. Consecrated virginity, on the other hand, despite its flexibility
in admitting a wide variety of practical lived expressions, is still a public
commitment to a way of life that is exteriorly defined, governed, and formally
approved by the Church.
Consecrated
virginity is also very different from a secular Third Order. Third Orders (and
oblate and community associate programs, etc.) are, essentially, modes for
laypeople to share in the spirituality of a religious Order. But consecrated
virginity has its own spirituality and charism that is district from any of the
Church’s many religious families, and consecrated virgins are not “laypeople”
in the usual sense of the term.
Consecrated
virginity is also not the same as the so-called “lay consecrated life” of the
newer lay ecclesial movements, since—among other points of contrast—the Ordo
virginum is an ancient vocation dating back to Apostolic times and doesn’t
involve an association with any group (unless of course you want to call the
local diocese a “group”). Similarly, secular institute members and Opus Dei numeraries
are not “consecrated virgins” in the technical sense of belonging to the Ordo
virginum.
And finally,
consecrated virginity is really not “the single life,” since
consecrated virgins make a life commitment that is, theologically, truly nuptial.
All of these
non-consecrated virginity vocations are still good vocations! But if you’re
discerning consecrated virginity, you should have a good understanding of what
it is you are discerning.
2. Do your
homework
Or in other
words, read and familiarize yourself with the relevant Church documents on
consecrated virginity. In my opinion, the most important one to read is the Rite of Consecration to a Life of Virginity itself. I would even recommend
multiple readings of the Rite of Consecration, perhaps beginning with a
more straightforward academic reading if the Rite, and then subsequently
re-reading it in a slower, more contemplative and prayerful way. The Rite of
Consecration sums up the core spirituality of a consecrated virgin, so your
inner spiritual attraction (or lack thereof!) will be an important clue about
whether or not you’re called to this life.
Following that,
another important document to read is the 2008 Instruction on the Ordo
virginum, Ecclesiae Sponsae Imago (ESI). With a title that
translates literally as “the Image of the Church as Bride,” this Vatican
document address questions related to the nature and purpose of consecrated
virginity in greater depth. The official intended audience of ESI is actually
bishops and the canon lawyers assisting them, so a lot of ESI is written in somewhat
technical language. Nevertheless, it contains some beautiful and very
accessible passages, especially paragraphs 1 – 40; and even the more “dry”
parts of ESI still communicate significant details about what the Church
expects from her consecrated virgins.
That past three
Popes have all given addresses and homilies to the Ordo virginum
specifically, which are each worth a read:
“May Christ
be your total and exclusive love” – Pope St. John Paul II (1995)
“To the Order of Virgins: Personal journeys in holiness at service of all” – Pope Benedict
XVI (2008)
“Be ‘women of mercy’” – Pope Francis (2020)
You might also
consider reading some of the Church’s writings on consecrated life in general,
such as St. John Paul II’s work Vita Consecrata.
In terms of
more devotional reading, Christ in His Consecrated Virgins by Ludwig
Munster was originally written for pre-Vatican II Benedictine nuns preparing to
receive the consecration of virgins after their solemn religious profession,
but it’s still relevant for today’s consecrated virgins “living in the world.”
It’s currently out of print, but you can read the whole thing online here.
Finally, Fr.
Thomas Dubay’s book “And You Are Christ’s…” is kind of the go-to English
language classic for introducing the basic theology and spirituality behind a
commitment to dedicated Christian virginity of any sort. (Although, as a more
mature consecrated virgin, I don’t find it as personally helpful as I did when
I was younger, but I would still heartily recommend it to anyone discerning
this vocation.) A similar book is Virginity by Fr. Rainero Cantalamessa,
which has been translated from the original Italian into multiple
languages.
3. Find a
good spiritual director
Yes, I know
it’s hard to find a good spiritual director, etc. etc.
But seriously,
really try your best here. Spiritual direction is something any woman seriously
discerning consecrated virginity needs to make a priority. You absolutely need
a good spiritual direction to help you in your discernment of this vocation—and
if consecrated virginity does wind up being your call, then you’ll need a
spiritual director post-consecration to help you with all the on-going
discernment that this life requires.
If you don’t
have a spiritual director or are struggling to find one, a great first step is
to ask God in prayer to send you one. It’s amazing how often God will answer
prayers like this through surprise providential encounters.
On your part, the
active legwork involved in finding a spiritual director doesn’t have to be too mysterious
or complicated. If you already know a priest that you find to be holy and
sensible (and for whatever it’s worth, St. Teresa of Avila thought it was more
important that spiritual directors be “learned” than that they be particularly
holy!), you can start by just asking him if he would be open to doing spiritual
direction with you. Even if he can’t take this on, he might be able to refer
you to someone else who can. If you don’t know any priests whom you would feel
comfortable going to for direction, you can try just asking your parish priest
or maybe your diocesan vocations office for a referral.
Incidentally, a
spiritual director doesn’t have to be a priest—although in my own personal
anecdotal experience, it seems that holy diocesan priests in general tend to be
the best at intuitively “getting” the vocation of consecrated virginity. And I
do think there is some real benefit in an aspiring consecrated virgin having a
spiritual director who is also committed to a life of celibate chastity in some
way. But there are good spiritual directors among non-ordained religious, men and
women in other forms of consecrated life, and lay people.
4. Try to
meet consecrated virgins
If you are
discerning this vocation, it can be very helpful to meet actual consecrated
virgins in real life. If you don’t have any already-consecrated virgins
nearby—and even if you do—you might consider attending the U.S. Association of
Consecrated Virgins’ annual discerners’ conference.
Additionally,
if there is a consecration being celebrated close to you, see if you can
attend. The vast majority of consecration ceremonies are open to the public. Not
only will you be able to experience one of the most beautiful ceremonies of the
Roman liturgy, but you may even have the chance to meet consecrated virgins or
other discerners who are also in attendance.
One caveat,
however: consecrated virgins are a very “individual” bunch. Or to put a spin on
the old saying: if you’ve met one consecrated virgin…you’ve met one
consecrated virgin! Consecrated virgins share important things in common, but
our consecrated lives are lived out in a variety of concrete ways. If you don’t
“click” with the first consecrated virgin you meet, or even the first several,
this isn’t necessarily a sign that you’re not called to this life.
5. Work to
resolve any “crisis” or on-going issues in your life
For example, if
you have a serious physical or mental health problem, do whatever you can to speed
your recovery, if possible. Or for more chronic conditions, do what you can to
manage them to the point where they’re not radically impinging upon the rest of
your life. If you are burdened by major debts, make a real effort to pay them
down. If you have a family crisis that is demanding most of your time and
attention, either wait until your family circumstances get to a more stable
place or find some way where your degree of personal responsibility within the
situation can be adjusted to a more manageable level.
Sometimes
discerners have the impression that, because consecrated virginity doesn’t
entail the same kind of hard restrictions that religious communities generally
have for new members, it’s no problem to discern consecrated virginity when you
have an uncontrolled chronic illness, are deeply in debt, or have overwhelming
family obligations. And there is a kernel of truth to this—consecrated virgins
can own property and control their own finances, so it’s entirely possible for
a consecrated virgin to responsibly pay off a student loan or mortgage on a
house; and this life allows for a decent amount of flexibility and freedom, so
it is possible for one consecrated virgin to live at a more “gentle” pace than
others, or for consecrated virgins to assist aging parents in various ways.
But with that
being said, before you start discerning consecrated virginity in earnest, it’s
important to have your life in serene, stable, and healthy place. (Or at least as
serene and stable as you can reasonably get it. Obviously, none of us are
perfect and nobody is going to have a completely stress-free life!)
This is for a
few reasons. First, a basic principle of any type of Christian discernment is
that it’s easiest to listen for God’s voice amidst calm and peace.
Following that,
it’s crucial to have a real sense of freedom when you’re discerning this
vocation. If you are discerning consecrated life in general, it might be
tempting to see consecrated virginity as an easier or less demanding vocational
option than religious life since, as noted above, strictly speaking an aspiring
consecrated virgin doesn’t need to be completely debt-free or in perfect
physical health to be accepted as a candidate. But if you’re discerning
consecrated virginity with a thought of: “Well, at least this is an option for
me…”, that’s not a good sign. In order to discern consecrated virginity
fruitfully and appropriately, it must be approached as a “first choice”
vocation.
Additionally,
the very same things that could make joining a religious community difficult
can also present special challenges for living out a fervent consecrated life
as a member of the Ordo virginum. Despite the high levels of personal
freedom inherent in this vocation, we consecrated virgins still have real
obligations and commitments by virtue of our state in life. While there can be
exceptions in exceptional cases, if you’re thinking of becoming a consecrated virgin,
you need to be able to take on a commitment to regular liturgical and private
prayer, as well being realistically capable of undertaking some kind of apostolate
or service of the Church. If you don’t see yourself as being able to do this,
then it’s most likely not the right time in your life to be discerning this
call.
6. Cultivate
a spirit of openness
Hopefully it
goes without saying that consecrated virgins are called to be mature adult
women who can take pro-active responsibility for their own lives, think
critically about nuanced questions, and who can make sensible decisions with
confidence. Yet at the same time, it’s good to remember that a consecrated
virgin is also called to a spirit of docility and openness, in the sense of
truly wanting to know God’s will and do it, even if God’s will is something surprising,
unexpected, or something which goes against her personal preferences or is
outside of her comfort zone.
This call to a
spirit of openness applies doubly (if not triply, or four times as much) to
women still just discerning this vocation. It’s important to be open to the
idea that the Ordo virginum may be where God is calling you…but
conversely, in your initial discernment it’s also important to be open to the
idea that God just as well might not be calling you to consecrated virginity
after all.
And if you and
your bishop do discern that you’re called to consecrated virginity, then you’ll
also need to have a spirit of openness towards formation. Even if you’ve been
doing your best to “live the life of a consecrated virgin,” at the end of the
day you really can’t life the live of a consecrated virgin fully unless and
until you actually are consecrated. Knowing your need for formation is a strong
sign of a genuine vocation, whereas feeling convinced you have it all completely
figured out is a red flag in my mind.
And don’t
forget, even after consecration on-going formation is a life-long project! The
consecrated virgins in my own life whom I most respect and admire also happen
to be the ones most interested in continuing to study and delve deeper into the
Church’s teachings on what it means to be a consecrated bride of Christ.
7. Pray,
pray, pray…and then pray some more
Praying to know
God’s will for your life is such standard advice I almost forgot to list it
here! But it’s standard advice for a reason. You can’t learn to listen for
God’s voice if you don’t have a real listening relationship with Him, which is
what prayer essentially is. And since the heart of a consecrated virgin’s
vocation is a spousal relationship with Christ, the “relational” aspect of
prayer is absolutely essential. You can’t have a relationship with a theory or
idea, but only with a person, and a vibrant prayer life is the only way to
establish this kind of person-to-person relationship with Christ.
Beyond this, I
think it would be helpful for a discerner to try adopting some of the specific
elements of the prayer life of a consecrated virgin, especially daily Mass
whenever possible, dedicated time for silent prayer, and the Liturgy of the
Hours.
But once again,
keep in mind that at the end of the day, you can only truly have “the prayer
life of a consecrated virgin” once you are a consecrated virgin. Actually being
consecrated really does entail a significant shift in your interior spiritual
life. And also, if this is your call, ideally you should have years to ease
yourself into the amount of daily prayer time expected of a consecrated virgin.
So, be sure to set realistic goals for your prayer life as a discerner and
don’t let yourself get discouraged if it seems like a lot at first. Just take
the first step.