Dear
sister in Christ,
Maybe
we know each other in real life, or maybe we’ve only “met” over the internet,
or maybe you’ve just stumbled upon this blog. We may have corresponded over
many years, or we may have just exchanged one or two emails, or perhaps you
don’t know me at all. Whatever the case may be, if you are a newly-consecrated
virgin, I first of all send my warm and heartfelt congratulations. I hope your
consecrated life brings you many years of joy and happiness, crowned with an
eternal reward!
I
know it’s usually presumptuous to offer unasked-for advice, but I remember when
I was in your shoes—that is, newly consecrated and happy about it, but still trying
to “find my feet” in a new vocation—and I think it would have helped me to have
had some more honest insights about the lived reality of life as a consecrated
virgin. My own thoughts at this point may or may not resonate with you, but
after living more than a decade of consecrated life myself, hopefully I’ll still
have something helpful to share.
And
so here are some of the things I wish an “older sister” would have said to me
all those years ago:
1.
This is just the beginning of a new life.
Your
consecration may have in some ways felt like a culmination, or like a conclusion
of some sort, but it wasn’t; it was only the very beginning of a new life. This
might be a bit more readily obvious to those of us who were consecrated in our
twenties or thirties (though even for us younger ones, there still might have
been a sense of “finally, I’m done discerning my vocation!”). But I think this
is true for newly-consecrated virgins of all ages.
Consecrated
virginity is unique among forms of consecrated life in that presumes that we
have already been living an exceptionally chaste life for a number of years. Or
really, it presumes that our entire lives have been virtuous in this way. Yet our
consecration isn’t meant as a reward-like recognition or acknowledgment of
this. Rather, as the Rite of Consecration tells us, it’s a call to continue
living this life of virtue “with a new grace and [consecrated] to God by a new
title.” In our consecration, the natural virtue of chastity, which even the
classical pagans valued, takes on a new supernatural dimension as an
eschatological sign of Christ’s love for the Church. And in addition to the
universal call to holiness we received at baptism, in our consecration we are
embracing a new, special, and privileged call to be a bride of Christ in a
radical and more literal way.
Of
course your consecration day itself will always be important in your memory. But
I think you’ll find that if you live your vocation well, over the years the
emotional and spiritual weight of the day will start to feel very secondary to
the many years of fidelity you will have offered the Lord. In fact, I think
there may be even greater joy in perseverance. Each passing year of your
consecrated life becomes a self-gift you offer to your divine Spouse, a gift
which is just as precious as that first self-offering you made on your
consecration day.
2.
Your life is different now.
Even
if prior to consecration you were sincerely striving to “live the life of a
consecrated virgin,” and even if your exterior life looks the same, the fact of
the matter is that your life is different now. And so are you!
This
isn’t talked about as much as it probably should be, and my impression is that
many newly-consecrated virgins often feel a bit unsettled post-consecration without
really knowing why. But I think this is due to the “growing pains” involve in
adjusting to a new identity. It takes time to adjust to a new identity, but I
believe that in most cases this struggle is normal and healthy. I actually
think I would be more worried about a new consecrated virgin who didn’t
struggle at all with this, because it would make me wonder if she was fully
processing what had happened to her spiritually or if she was fully grasping the
weight of what she had committed to.
On
an interior level, among other things, you may find yourself being drawn to a
greater spirit of simplicity or evangelical poverty—that is, a more profound detachment
from worldly things. This is really a great grace!
Don’t
resist this grace, even if it might conflict with your idea of what life as a
consecrated virgin is supposed to be like. Maybe let go of some ideas, such as
the thought that you’ll be something like “a normal woman living in the world
like anybody else.” Naturally, you
probably will blend in a little better than a nun or fully habited Sister would,
and the hope is that people will see you as approachable. But the consecration
will make you different from laywomen, as well making you a bit weird from a
worldly perspective. But let your “weirdness” unfold naturally according to the
inspirations and providential circumstances the Lord sends you, so that this
weirdness can serve His purposes.
There
will also be some practical adjustments involved in assuming your new vocation,
which may seem subtle from an outside point of view, but which will still
require some careful discernment on your part. You are a public representative
of the Church now, and we can rightly say you are now an icon of the Church, or
an “image of the Church as Bride” (i.e., an “Ecclesiae Sponsae Imago”).
To a significant extent, everything you now do should be an expression of what
the Church would do. E.g., when you are kind and fair, even in the small
interactions of daily life, this is a reflection of the Church as loving and
just. Our sins are of course our own and nobody else’s, but the other side of
this coin is that our lack of kindness, patience, courage, or any other virtue
has the potential to reflect badly on the Church in the eyes of others. And in
general, when you have entered a public state of consecrated life, the faithful
will expect more of you…as they are indeed fully entitled to do.
Because
of this, it may be necessary to re-evaluate certain aspects of your life. For
example, you may find you need to be more reserved in some ways, or more
selective about whom you let into your circle of close personal friends. There
might be some social invitations that, while not sinful, you will need to
gracefully turn down. Or on the other hand, you might also find you need to be
more friendly or even “pastoral” to people you otherwise wouldn’t have talked
to! You may even discern it’s necessary to start dressing or introducing
yourself differently.
It
can be a bit daunting at first, but be patient with yourself as you do this
hard work of discernment. (And obviously keep in conversation with your bishop,
spiritual director, and trusted mentors as you do this!)
3.
Know that you’re still being formed.
At
this point in history, it can more or less be taken for granted that a
newly-consecrated virgin today (at least in the United States) will not have
had a perfect formation experience. This makes sense when you consider how relatively
recently the Ordo virginum was revived as its own distinct state in life.
Even in a best-case scenario, with an
attentive bishop motivated to provide a decent structured formation program, as
a contemporary Church we simply don’t have enough collective lived experience
to provide formation that is perfectly comprehensive for all aspiring
consecrated virgins everywhere. That is, it’s likely going to take us a while
longer to figure out exactly what the specific formation needs of consecrated
virgins are, along with the best practical ways to address these needs. (Though
as a point of reference, consider that it wasn’t until the Council of Trent in
the sixteenth century that the Church adopted the first versions of our modern
seminary system for the formation of priests!)
Although
this does put us at an obvious disadvantage, I think much of the disadvantage
of having had a less-than-perfect formation experience can be mitigated by
simply being aware of and accepting the reality of the situation. Being aware
of our areas for potential or needed growth can help us take care to make up
for what is lacking, and “knowing what you don’t know” is crucial for avoiding
mistakes that our possible blind spots may cause.
Also
keep in mind that the Holy Spirit is the best of all formators, and He will
help us in the ways we need, but only if we are truly docile and open to Him.
And
alluding to my earlier point, receiving the concretion itself is a highly
formative event. No amount of prior study can compare to the experience of
actually being consecrated. So even if you were blessed enough to have had an excellent
formation program, know that post-consecration you are still being formed by both
your lived experience of consecrated life and by the graces you received in
your consecration. God willing, each passing year as a consecrated virgin will
make you an ever more fitting spouse of Christ.
4.
You’ll have share in the cross in a new way.
The
Church describes even natural human marriage as “a partnership of the whole of
life.” (CIC canon 1055 §1) Spouses are called to
share everything, including all their joys and sorrows. This is true also for
those of us who have Christ as our spouse. In a mysterious way that words can’t
quite describe, your consecration will give you a new and more intimate window
into Christ’s suffering and passion.
This
is not just pious sentiment. In my own experience and having talked with
numerous consecrated virgins over the years, it seems to be quite common that
new consecrated virgins will encounter some sort of new and extraordinary—and
at times even uncanny—suffering shortly following their consecration. This
might be the result of exterior life circumstances, a purely interior spiritual
trial, or some combination of these.
Of
course, suffering by definition is never pleasant, and I certainly wouldn’t
wish it on anyone, much less my sisters in the Ordo virginum. But if
there is a consolation in this, to me when a newly consecrated virgin does
encounter some sort of unexpected trial, paradoxically I’m inclined to see this
as a positive sign in her vocation. That is, it can be a sign that her
consecration really “worked,” and that Jesus took her at her word when she said
“yes” to His call to a life of greater union with Him.
The
old saying that God can never be outdone in generosity is certainly true. And
for the sake of a healthy spirituality in consecrated life it’s important to
remember that while God at times permits suffering for a greater good, He does
not actively desire us to be in pain—and in fact, it’s God’s will to bring us to
a place where “He will wipe every tear from [our] eyes, and
there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain.” (Revelation
21:4)
But
for those of us who have committed to remaining with Jesus “wherever He goes,”
(cf. Revelation 14:4) we can look on it as a privilege when He invites us to
remain with Him so personally in His darkest but most triumphant hour.
5.
Your happiness, even in this life, will depend on your generosity.
Finally,
perhaps the most important thing to understand about living out a vocation to
consecrated virginity is that there really are no half-measures. A consecrated
virgin either gives the Lord absolutely everything, thereby receiving
everything (and more!) from Him in return; or else her life becomes empty, silly,
and fruitless.
I
think this point is worth spelling out, because a common misconception among
women first discerning this vocation is that consecrated virginity is sort of a
way to have one’s cake and eat it, too—as in, a way to nominally “give
everything to God” while still maintaining all of one’s worldly interests and
activities as usual, or as a way to receive the graces and honors of
consecrated life in the Church without having to make the often painful
sacrifices inherent in joining a religious community.
This
fundamental misunderstanding of our vocation is insidious because it contains a
small grain of truth. For example, consecrated virgins generally don’t have a
moment equivalent to crossing the threshold of an enclosure like a postulant in
a cloistered monastery does, nor do consecrated virgins typically make a point
to limit contact with family and friends or restrict their communication with “the
world.”
Yet
readily apparent or not, consecrated virginity still demands a radical shift in
perspective and attitude from “worldly” orientation to one deeply informed by
the Evangelical counsels. This is not just something the Church specifically
asks of us—although she does (see ESI 27)—but it’s something built into the
very nature of our commitment.
Marriage
natural parenthood are so deeply inscribed in the human heart that the act of altogether
renouncing these things leaves a void. The idea in consecrated virginity, or
even consecrated celibacy in general, is that we allow Christ to superabundantly
fill this void. But the catch is that He can only do this is He is the only one
we allow to fulfill us in this way.
If
we try to fill the void with other human things, even other intrinsically good
human things, inevitably such things will come to be seen and understood as trivial
in the at least the big picture. Devoting ourselves to things other than Jesus
Christ and His body, the Church is what will leave us a the sad and gloomy old
maids that Pope Francis warns against (cf. his May 8, 2013 address to Superiors
General) instead of the radiant brides of Christ and spiritual mothers that we
are called to be.
Obviously, as a newly-consecrated virgin you are far past the question of
discerning your state in life, and thus beyond the concerns and misperceptions
of those who are first inquiring. But sometimes, in the midst of the fatigue
that can come about in the day-to-day life of a consecrated person, it can be
easy to forget about the joy of a total self-gift. When God seems silent or the
Church seems unsupportive, it can be tempting to grasp at consolation wherever
we can find it, even in the passing things of this world. But we need to
remember, as the Prophet Isaiah wrote: “Why spend your money for what is not
bread; your wages for what does not satisfy?” (Isaiah 55:2)
In
all circumstances of life, including the challenging ones, the surest way to
happiness is to turn your heart ever more intently towards your Divine Spouse.
Our
holy sister St. Agnes was said to have gone to her martyrdom more joyfully than
most people go to their weddings. If we imitate the single-hearted intensity
with which St. Agnes gave herself to the Lord, I am certain that we will also share
in her deep and astonishing joy.
With
love, in Christ,
Jenna
